That Hooded Figure Is My Son

That hooded shape standing at the edge of a canyon? That's my youngest son.

Silas.

He's 12 here.

He's complicated. But he’s also incredibly bright, witty, dark, and im·pen·e·tra·ble.

Often feeling impossible to reach, a walnut... a metaphor a high school teacher once used to describe me. He gives up nothing...until we are at our breaking point but by then, it's usually too late. And other times, he completely surprises me and the love is fierce.

Traveling 10 days with him through the Southwest I learned a few things:

1) Accept that snakes are a real fear. A tidbit I discovered after I journeyed to the American International Rattlesnake Museum and tried to get him to pose next to pythons, rattlers, and scaly creatures that just wanted out.

2) Let him tempt fate and stand too close to the edge. Just walk away because, really, it's all you can do...just like that 38 Special song says, "Just hold on loosely, But don't let go, If you cling too tightly, You're gonna lose control." Or something like that?

3) The intense rage, Love, and Awe I felt for this kid across the thousands of miles we traveled together - hurdling through skies, rolling across miles and miles of nothingness, bottomless canyons and chaotic casinos - are indescribable, raw, and can’t ever be traded in or up for anything other than what what they are: Recognizing yourself in your children.

And when we touched down back on familiar ground on June 1 - what would have been my 17th wedding anniversary - I hug this wiry body goodbye and I tear up because I'm exhausted and feel like I have absolutely nothing left to give and every second in this moment is an emotional, nostalgic Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young melody.

I am so profoundly affected by this complicated mother-son-dance-of-fear-love-and-loathing-and-acceptance. The reflections, the meanings, the tales - they need an ending that brings it all together and neatly wraps up the narration - but for now, we keep adding to our story and I am grateful for the chapters that are yet to come.

#AmorFati #SilentAnniversariesOfTheHeart